remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
