please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
