I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
