I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
false alarm, still single
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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