you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
