Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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