omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
