he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
