you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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