I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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