I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And then he peed in my hair
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