I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
