Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
