Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
