my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
