I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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