I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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