its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
