Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
