Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
