i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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