Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
