3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
