sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
