its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
