i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
