if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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