My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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