Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
