i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
