I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
