the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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