In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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