if i can run in heels then i can drive
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
