i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
