I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
