totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
