I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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