I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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