I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
