It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
