so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
