your parents love me but you hate me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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