Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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