So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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