So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
