Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
