So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
