Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
