Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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