ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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